Given these vile economic times that we find ourselves unwilling pawns in, I’ve resurrected this absolutely nothing chocolate cake recipe which uses no eggs, no butter, and no substitutions after a long time between bites. And it really does come together out of various dusts and a bit of tap water to form a cake that isn’t just surprisingly good, it’s just a good — and functional — chocolate cake. Now, the last thing I want to do is bring you a recipe that I’m obliged to damn through faint praise, and I was somewhat uncertain as this baked away in the oven. Yes, it’s based on the recipe that fed my childhood, but given that I also used to make myself tomato ketchup and cheese sandwiches, microwaved until either the cheese or the plastic plate was volcanically bubbling, and pretend it was pizza, I’m not sure my tastebuds’ memories can be trusted in that regard. I then repurposed this recipe for my 2013 cult hit eponymous cookbook, published through Penguin — but that was a long decade ago, and then some.

After a further, and for now, final tutu with this recipe, I am happy to report that it tastes genuinely, beguilingly fantastic. Whether a birthday is looming ominously or a vexing (or celebratory) day requires dessert, you deserve cake, regardless of possessing the means to make one. This can be that cake.

There are shades of this cake in depression-era baking recipes — and I’m trying not to use the words ‘recession indicator’ here — though for me the recipe was glued in one of the family scrapbook-style cookbooks and, in lieu of a working oven, microwaved in a round fluted Arcopal casserole dish on birthdays and other cake-worthy occasions.

Without betraying its prudent roots, I’ve made it more luscious with a simple increase in cocoa powder and – though it’s optional — a very modest quantity of chocolate on top. I realise this wildly undermines the “nothing” aspect of the title but I mean, this chocolate bar that I used was tiny, yet the visually frantic drizzle makes a small amount look far more magnanimous; also taste and texture-wise you get most bang for your buck by putting it on top. Hell, you could even use less chocolate. Besides which, butter is mortifyingly, nose-bleedingly expensive right now (as in, I would be mortified to charge that much for butter in a country rampant with dairy cows but for some reason, no one is asking me for economic opinions) so to that end, straight chocolate is a cheaper flourish than making buttercream. You could, however, consider sieving over a spoonful of icing sugar for instant and minimal razzle dazzle.

This cake is nothing if not a celebration of science, with robust quantities of vinegar and acidic cocoa colliding with baking soda to create soft, bouncy crumbs. A relatively tiny quantity of oil emulsifies with said vinegar to further tenderise those cake crumbs and to add an uncannily rounded, butter-present flavour to the cake (there is a reason why I used to include a minuscule dash of vinegar in my vegan buttercream recipes). I’d like to confidently claim that the cold water contributes by slowing down gluten production and coalescing with the oil but the truth is I add it because the recipe tells me to and it has never once failed me. Four tablespoons of cocoa is a somewhat wanton extravagance but an important one, lending further fat and richness where there otherwise might not be any.

This delicious cake simply cannot be damned with faint praise! I will be making it again, soon and regularly. For more vegan baking recipes that have a little something-from-nothing about them — though none so magnificently nothing-y as this cake — I recommend these pecan sandies, these small batch peanut mocha cookies, and these hundreds and thousands cookies (which, while nominally the opposite of this cake, refer to the sprinkles atop them and the store-bought product that they’re imitating.)

Novel watch: I have made a form! You can fill it out here to opt into sporadic yet purposeful updates on my impending debut cult hit modern classic 21st century novel, Hood’s Landing, rather than wondering each week if I’ll say something cryptic about it at the bottom of a recipe on my food blog. I’m talking design, dates, live events, launch parties, playlists and watchlists, ins and outs and — without wanting to oversell it when it’s really a bunch of low-key emails that I’ll invariably be writing at 3am — many other interesting things. Sign up here!

Absolutely nothing chocolate cake (with a cookie variation)

No eggs — no butter — almost nothing at all, but somehow it turns into cake, and a delicious one at that, that keeps beautifully and is spectacularly easy to make. And if you can push the boat out, a tiny quantity of chocolate goes a very long way on top. If not, a dusting of icing sugar will suffice. Oh, and it might look like a typo-amount of vinegar but trust me — all you taste is cake. I’ve adapted this recipe from my 2013 cookbook; which itself was adapted from a classic but unattributed recipe from my childhood, it sure looks like a recession indicator but doesn’t taste like it.

• 150g flour
• 170g brown sugar
• 4 tablespoons cocoa
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• A pinch — about 1/4 teaspoon — salt
• 1/4 cup plain oil
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla essence
• 2 tablespoons malt vinegar or red wine vinegar
• 3/4 cup cold water
• Optional but good: A 40g plain chocolate bar

1: Set your oven to 180C/350F, and line a 20cm square tin with baking paper. Measure the 150g flour and 170g brown sugar into a bowl, and then the four tablespoons of cocoa, the 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder, the 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda and the pinch of salt — given the lumpy nature of these latter ingredients you may want to get out the sieve here.

2: Stir the dry ingredients together thoroughly, so the cocoa is completely interspersed. It’s important to get this done before you add the liquids, so you don’t end up overmixing it later or stuck with powdery lumps of cocoa and baking soda trapped in the batter.

3: Use the back of a spoon to press a ‘well’ or recess into the flour-cocoa mixture, and pour in the 1/4 cup of oil, the half teaspoon of vanilla, the two tablespoons of vinegar and finally, 3/4 cup of cold water, by which I mean, straight from the tap. Stir this mixture together gently — until it’s just combined, and there are no visible streaks of flour.

4: Immediately spatula this thick mixture into your square baking tin, spread it out evenly, and bake for 25 minutes.

5: Allow to cool completely on the bench — covered lightly with a tea towel, if need be — then melt the 40g chocolate bar in the microwave (or if you’re feeling reckless and microwave-less, just melt it directly in a non-stick saucepan over a low heat like I did) and then dip a spatula — presumably the same one you’ve been using to stir the chocolate as it melts — into the chocolate and drizzle it back and forth with a gentle wrist-flick over the surface of the cake. Let the chocolate set, which will take around 20 minutes at room temperature or considerably less in the fridge, then slice into squares.

This cake tastes fantastic the next day, but will start to lose its bounce if stored at room temperature beyond that. It keeps astonishingly well in the fridge, however — I’m eating a slice on day four that’s as good as new.

Notes: This is very possible in a 20cm round tin, though I find square tins more practical for getting more slices out of the same amount of cake. Brown sugar makes for a somewhat softer, richer cake, but you can definitely use white sugar if that’s all you have. I’ve only tried this with malt vinegar and red wine vinegar; I’m confident balsamic would work fine but less confident about other vinegars.

Cookie variation: Although I believe this tastes best as a cake, you can make big, soft, cakey cookies that are particularly perfect for ice cream sandwiches, with the following quantities — 230g flour, 190g sugar (brown sugar makes for a slightly chewier cookie), 4 tablespoons cocoa, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, and a pinch of salt, followed by 1/4 cup oil, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, 2 tablespoons malt or red wine vinegar, and 150ml cold water. Drop large spoonfuls of this sticky mixture onto a baking paper-lined tray and roughly shape into circles, then bake for 11 minutes and let cool completely. You can make a pretty small quantity of cheap, bottom-shelf ice cream go much further, and taste much better, by clamping spoonfuls of it between two of these cookies and freezing them until grippably solid.

music lately:

You Take My Freedom by The Jasmine Minks, it jingle-jangles along with a kind of straightforward contained frenzy but that burst of horns feinting into that sly little guitar riff is stunning, and then there’s a Space Oddity-type acoustic breakdown that leads into a time signature change outro? C’mon!

Rosanna by Toto. Look, I only had the mildest and most benign inclinations towards Toto but my dad took me to see their current iteration in concert and I was utterly floored by their sonic excellence. Which should come as no surprise given their session musician backgroundhood, but! This song was previously what I would have considered my favourite Toto song but I don’t think I ever really heard it till that night — the drum shuffle! The way it’s all bridges! The way that the yearning “Rosanna, Rosanna” refrain only appears two, cruel times (not unlike the chorus in The Rhythm of Life with its maddening rarity) and when Bobby Kimball starts singing, the melody suddenly shifts into this primed, cat-about-to-pounce tension! This song is haunting my every waking moment. The keyboard synth solo!

Everything’s Coming Up Roses by Audra McDonald from the new Broadway cast recording of Gypsy — she is such a masterclass in acting that she literally won a Tony award for acting in a play called Master Class — and normally I don’t love dialogue on cast recordings but hearing her say “I am her mother, I made her” is — well, you know. I associate her voice with a more operatic soprano, so hearing her brassy belting is thrilling and I am deadly envious of anyone who gets to see this production.

PS: As we enjoy our food we can’t forget those going violently without it. Though the people of Gaza are existing under barbaric cruelty with aid continually blocked, NZ-based humanitarian org ReliefAid’s Gaza Appeal continues to work to deliver water sourced and treated from within Gaza so give it if you’ve got it. I also recommend checking out BDS (Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions) Aotearoa and Palestine Solidarity Network Aotearoa for straightforward, targeted ways to use your lack of dollars, consumer-wise; and for some ways to help near and far the reliably great Emily Writes has compiled a compact list of things you can do. The first prompt for submissions has closed but there are plenty more chill but important ways to make things better, including mutual aid and good reading links.